I wonder if this works.

I will have faith in who God has made me.

I just read this post. I have been feeling this way for a while. Insecure. Doubting. Unsure.

I want to be done apologizing... done trying to make people understand... and done doubting myself.

I choose to have faith that God has made me who I am for a reason.

I am the way I am for many reasons. There are good things... there are bad... there are things I am working on... and there are things that I am just fine with, things I don't plan on changing. Some things are big, some are small, but they are all things that have been questioned, things I have questioned, but things I ultimately believe are part of who I am, who we are, or things we believe in.

I don't wash Phoebe's pacifier when she drops it... she crawls on the floor and immediately puts her hands in her mouth... same difference.

We use cloth diapers. We love them. If you thinks it's gross... that's fine. No judgement.

I have tattoos. I love tattoos. I think they are beautiful. Artistic. Creative. I plan on getting more... just a warning. I don't love my first tattoo... but I regret other things much more.

Our yard is NEVER mowed. My husband puts us first, if I need a coffee break, he gives me that, if a kid needs a ride, or help filling out papers for college... he does that over mowing the lawn. I am completely okay with that. Sometimes I complain... but ultimately... I think it just shows that his priorities are in place.

Sometimes my house is a wreck. It doesn't mean I am a slob, it just means I am human and I probably spent extra time with my family... which I will remember over the floor being swept.

I had a csection. Not a natural birth. I couldn't breastfeed. It broke my heart, but my baby is healthy... and I tried, and that is what matters most to me.

I don't let my baby cry it out. I think it's okay if you do.

I love Jesus. I am completely in love with my Savior. I also drink beer. I love wine. Sometimes I cuss... I even occasionally drop the F bomb. I don't think Jesus minds.

Most of the time I witness by letting people see me live my life. Letting them see my flaws. Loving them through their struggles. I know this is the way Jesus has called me to love. So that's what I am doing.

I think most of us are doing the best we can. I think we could all use a little more love. We could all give a little more love. If I have learned anything lately... it's that giving love is just about the only way to get love back. Hurt people hurt people, but I think it's possible to be hurting, and to continue to love. Because that's the gift God gives us. Joy... even in the middle of a storm. We can have peace... because at the end of that storm, there is hope. God has a plan for this.

The other night Phoebe would not stop screaming. She was so tired, and so fussy, and fighting sleep, and we were loving on her so hard, talking to her, soothing her, walking her around, and she would not give it up. I don't always know what to do, but finally I just knew... I asked Ryan to get me a chair, and I took it to the front porch and sat with her. It was raining, lightening, thundering. She immediately stopped screaming. She calmed down. She settled into my arms. I sat there with my sweet girl, and I just told her how much a gift she was. I told her how much I loved her. I told her that someday she will get her heart broken. Some day things won't go her way. Some day she will have babies and they will cry and she won't always know what to do. Some day she won't follow Jesus. I told her that that's okay, and that when she walked away from what we teach her... we will pray until she chooses to come back. I prayed over her. I prayed for God to just show us how to love her, how to guide her, how to be her parents, I prayed for God to give her peace. I prayed. I felt peace. She closed her eyes. She fell asleep.

God uses the storms for good. I don't believe God causes most storms, but I believe he uses every one.

God uses our choices. God uses our strengths and weaknesses. God makes us all different for his greater plan.

So I choose to embrace who he has made me. What he has placed in my heart. I will be who I am, and he will use me. I have peace and faith in that.

Undesserving and Completely Thankful

I have so much. I have been given so much, and so little has been taken away from me. We have definitely had our hard times, but they have truly made us stronger. The biggest loss of my life was losing my Papa, who was like a Father to me. He lived a long and full life. He truly lived and he truly loved. He died when I was 19, and he was 87. I miss him, but it was his time, and I don't feel I was cheated out of one minute with him.

Yesterday we found out that a family we met at our church in Kentucky, lost their son suddenly. He was 20 years old. He was a talented musician. He was brutally honest. He was engaged to a girl he loved, and now he is gone. I cannot imagine the blow this is to this family. To lose someone you love so much, someone so young, someone you thought had so much life left to live.

I can't at all pretend to know that pain. I can't understand how cheated they must feel. I can't imagine the giant hole they must have inside. You should never have to bury your baby. You should never have to go to the funeral of your fiance.

I hurt for them. I pray for them. And because of their loss... I hold my baby closer, and thank God she is alive, and I promise to live every minute loving her, loving her Daddy, and thanking God for he family he has blessed me with. I don't deserve all that he has given me, but I am thankful for it.

The Blurry Bits

I am a mother
I have a perfect daughter
I have become more

That was a haiku.

I actually meant to start this way to distract you from the fact that I suck at blogging consistently... but that actually sort of describes the changes going on around here, perfectly. So I'm gonna go with it.

I am a mother.

Phoebe Rian Sibray
January 24th, 2011
7lbs 5 oz, 21 1/4 in long



I have a perfect daughter.

She is flawless. Beautiful. Lovely. Perfect.

I literally love her so much that it's painful. I constantly try and explain my love for her, but words just fail, and isn't that the very best kind of love? The kind you literally can't explain, because it is just too good. That's the kind of love that is flowing in our house. The kind of love that comes with new life. The kind of love that comes with a renewed and grounded marriage. The kind of love that comes with a raw and honest relationship with Christ. That's the love that resides in my house and it is good.

I have become more.

More than I was before her. I love more, and I have more grace, and more understanding. I am more, because of that tiny little girl.

Isn't it funny, that when you start a new chapter of your life, everything that came before it gets a little blurry? It's still there, the memories, the relationships, the places, but they morph into something different... because you have changed. I now fill another role. Through my life I have collected lots of titles, daughter, grand daughter, friend, employee, closet writer, student, leader, Christ follower, wife, and now I am a Mother. My journey to those titles... have a lot of blur before them.

The blurry bits? A brutal start to our marriage, my broken life before Christ, throwing up 4 times a day pregnancy, but in the end the blurry bits are just a part of our story... and where you are or where you are on your way to, is worth everything you have to go through to get it.
I wouldn't trade the relationship I have with my husband for anything. I would relive our first two years again, if it meant I would get to experience life with him now. I would be more than willing to go through my pregnancy again, because loving that little girl with my husband is so worth it. My life before Christ was ugly and painful, and honestly my life after Christ is painful... but it's worth it, because I have him, because he saved me, because he saved my daughter and he is never going to turn away from my ugly and blurry bits. Because he loves me. Because he loves her. Because he loves you, and he has promised us joy, and an abundant life, full of moments to cherish, and moments that stand apart from the blur, and I intend to remember those moments. The ones that teach me something, the ones that bring us closer, the moments that are full of love. I intend to remember the good.

Dear Phoebe

Dear Phoebe,

Right now you are tossing and turning and you have the hiccups. Right now you are safe, cozy, warm, and fed. Right now I have no doubt about where you are, what you're doing, or who you are with. No one can hurt you and all you're Daddy and I have done to you thus far... is love you. Oh my goodness baby girl, how we love you. All those comforts are coming to end, because not far from now you will move from your home in the womb, into our arms... and then it gets a little scary.
When you arrive, our whole world is going to change. You my sweet little girl are going to rock every single thing we've ever known. You are going to be the most beautiful thing we've ever seen. You are going to make us feel a love we have never known. You are going to give our salvation a whole new meaning. You are going to change everything about us. You my love, will make us new.
We cannot wait for you, but I'm going to be honest, I'm scared as hell. I'm young. I've never had so much responsibility on my shoulders. I've never been a mother. I've never lived to love and care for another person. I'm desperately in love with your Daddy, but this will be a completely different love, and he is quite independent, and only needs me the two times a year when he has the flu, and then he is of no use to anyone.
You will need me always, and I will be there. Until you ask me not to be, and then I will back off, but I will be waiting near by just in case.
No matter how hard it gets, no matter what you do, no matter where you go, or who you go with, I will always love you, and I will always be there.

We cannot wait to meet you little girl. I cannot wait to meet you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Always. Always. Always. To the Moon and back and back again.

This is our year.

I am convinced that 2010 is THE year for this Sibray family.
God has been showing off lately, he delivered us, blessed us beyond measure, was so full of grace, and loved on us until we understood the depth of it.
I am so thankful for his patience.

Okay, since God doesn't blog... I will share with you what he's been up to in our Life.

We are pregnant!
Yep... baby Sibray number one is on his or her way.
We are ecstatic, no word truly explains how happy we are about this.
It was a hoped for surprise... (more on that later, definitely deserves it's own post).

We are nearly out of debt!
Cars, my student loans, all credit card debt, and the house we live in.
We can't take much credit for it (really no credit at all), we were blessed as I said beyond belief, by God through people and through teaching us some valuable lessons.
All we have left are Ryan's student loans, a washer and dryer, and a small personal loan.
God has placed some amazing people in our lives to help us figure it all out, and I know that soon we won't be slave to money or debt... and that our babies will grow up knowing how to handle their money.
Easy? No. Worth it? Totally.

Ryan and I have been in counseling for about 3 months now.
It has transformed our marriage.
We had a very difficult beginning to our marriage. We've always loved each other, but we had no idea how to be in a Godly marriage, and what is love without God? We talked about counseling for a long time, and knew we could not afford it, and maybe we just weren't ready.
God provided.
We found a Christian counseling center that helps ministers and their families for free.
We have literally never been happier.
We hadn't really told anyone about our counseling experience, but we have truly felt God telling us to be open about it. Since we got married, we have heard how perfect our marriage looked, but it wasn't... it was painful, messy, and lonely.
God is taking our once broken marriage and making it whole.
He is showing us his plan for marriage, his formula for love, and we are getting it.
(This also deserves it's own post... and it will most certainly get it.)

God has a huge plan, and we have such tunnel vision, but hindsight is such an awesome gift to see what God was doing.

I can't wait to start blogging again, so much is going on in our life, and I am loving it.

Talk to you again soon.

"And the Lord answered me: 'Write the vision... For still the vision awaits it's appointed time; it hastens to the end- it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay." Habakkuk 2:2-3