I just read this post. I have been feeling this way for a while. Insecure. Doubting. Unsure.
I want to be done apologizing... done trying to make people understand... and done doubting myself.
I choose to have faith that God has made me who I am for a reason.
I am the way I am for many reasons. There are good things... there are bad... there are things I am working on... and there are things that I am just fine with, things I don't plan on changing. Some things are big, some are small, but they are all things that have been questioned, things I have questioned, but things I ultimately believe are part of who I am, who we are, or things we believe in.
I don't wash Phoebe's pacifier when she drops it... she crawls on the floor and immediately puts her hands in her mouth... same difference.
We use cloth diapers. We love them. If you thinks it's gross... that's fine. No judgement.
I have tattoos. I love tattoos. I think they are beautiful. Artistic. Creative. I plan on getting more... just a warning. I don't love my first tattoo... but I regret other things much more.
Our yard is NEVER mowed. My husband puts us first, if I need a coffee break, he gives me that, if a kid needs a ride, or help filling out papers for college... he does that over mowing the lawn. I am completely okay with that. Sometimes I complain... but ultimately... I think it just shows that his priorities are in place.
Sometimes my house is a wreck. It doesn't mean I am a slob, it just means I am human and I probably spent extra time with my family... which I will remember over the floor being swept.
I had a csection. Not a natural birth. I couldn't breastfeed. It broke my heart, but my baby is healthy... and I tried, and that is what matters most to me.
I don't let my baby cry it out. I think it's okay if you do.
I love Jesus. I am completely in love with my Savior. I also drink beer. I love wine. Sometimes I cuss... I even occasionally drop the F bomb. I don't think Jesus minds.
Most of the time I witness by letting people see me live my life. Letting them see my flaws. Loving them through their struggles. I know this is the way Jesus has called me to love. So that's what I am doing.
I think most of us are doing the best we can. I think we could all use a little more love. We could all give a little more love. If I have learned anything lately... it's that giving love is just about the only way to get love back. Hurt people hurt people, but I think it's possible to be hurting, and to continue to love. Because that's the gift God gives us. Joy... even in the middle of a storm. We can have peace... because at the end of that storm, there is hope. God has a plan for this.
The other night Phoebe would not stop screaming. She was so tired, and so fussy, and fighting sleep, and we were loving on her so hard, talking to her, soothing her, walking her around, and she would not give it up. I don't always know what to do, but finally I just knew... I asked Ryan to get me a chair, and I took it to the front porch and sat with her. It was raining, lightening, thundering. She immediately stopped screaming. She calmed down. She settled into my arms. I sat there with my sweet girl, and I just told her how much a gift she was. I told her how much I loved her. I told her that someday she will get her heart broken. Some day things won't go her way. Some day she will have babies and they will cry and she won't always know what to do. Some day she won't follow Jesus. I told her that that's okay, and that when she walked away from what we teach her... we will pray until she chooses to come back. I prayed over her. I prayed for God to just show us how to love her, how to guide her, how to be her parents, I prayed for God to give her peace. I prayed. I felt peace. She closed her eyes. She fell asleep.
God uses the storms for good. I don't believe God causes most storms, but I believe he uses every one.
God uses our choices. God uses our strengths and weaknesses. God makes us all different for his greater plan.
So I choose to embrace who he has made me. What he has placed in my heart. I will be who I am, and he will use me. I have peace and faith in that.